Session 18 - Practicing Christian Morality - Love, Sex, Dating and Marriage

The teachings of the Church about love, sex, dating and marriage are very important to us in our world today. If you watch TV, go to the movies, read popular magazines, or even talk with your friends, you will see that there are many different views and teachings about these topics. Unfortunately, most of what you see and hear is contrary to what the Holy Scripture and the Church teaches. The beginning point for us is Love. As we learned earlier, God created mankind out of love. He wanted us to enjoy all of His creation. Scripture tells us that woman was created from the rib of man out of God’s love as a helpmate for man so that together they could enjoy all of God’s  creation. God said that it was “not good that man should be alone” so He created Eve. When Adam saw Eve, he said, “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. (Gen.2:18-23). They were originally one and now there were two.

Adam and Eve were to love one another as they enjoyed God’s creation. They were also given the ability to have children together in imitation of God’s creative power. God created sex for this purpose. Sex was the means for uniting a man and a woman into one flesh once again. This union was both holy and mystical. Children were created through this union and man was given a sex drive by God to assure that this union would take place and that the human race would grow and populate the earth. In fact, the command to have children was one of the first commandments given by God to man. (Gen. 1: 28) Sex was enjoyable and pleasurable when used for the right reasons. If you read the Old Testament, you see that sex was emphasized as a means of carrying on the human race, especially the Hebrew people who were God’s chosen people. Because of this, certain things were done and “allowed” by God in the Old Testament so that the God’s people would multiply. Many married within the same family, cousins marrying cousins for example. If one’s wife was unable to have children, the husband could have children by the maid or servant. (Gen. 16, 29, 30) If a male died and he had a brother, his brother would take his wife and have children with her to preserve the family.(Deut. 25:5-6) Barrenness or being unable to have children was considered a curse from God since it was God who told man to be fruitful and multiply.

There were many strict rules regarding sexual activity in the Old Testament even though some of the things listed above seem to be very lenient and even immoral by our standards today. It is also helpful for us to consider the following ideas that come from the Old Testament and relate to the Church’s teachings about sex. The first is the issue of nakedness. Why do we wear clothes? In Genesis 2:25, speaking of Adam and Eve, we read: “They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”. After the fall of man, when sin entered into the world, we find a different and opposite reaction. Genesis 3:7 tells us that after the fall “the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons”. And later in verse 21 we’re told: “unto Adam also, and unto his wife, did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.” This idea of nakedness was carried on throughout the Old Testament. One was forbidden to see his parents or family members naked. (Lev. 18:6-18)

Another idea found in the Old Testament was the use of the word or phrase: to “know”  meaning to have sexual intercourse with someone. Part of this involved the idea of nakedness—seeing someone totally uncovered and naked. By doing this, we know them in a very personal way that is only reserved for special relationships. It is partially because of this that the Church opposed pornography. It also tells us that pornography devalues and exploits others. It also often leads the viewer into other sins such as lust. A closely related sexual sin, masturbation, often accompanies the use of pornography whether the images are internal, like sexual fantasies, or external, like pornographic magazines, movies or internet sites. This sin focuses on the self and ones own sexual gratification rather than the blessed union between male and female that God desires. The second meaning of this idea of “knowing” someone else is fully discovering and knowing another person in a very intimate way through sexual intercourse. Having sex should mean not only sharing our bodies, but also our thoughts, emotions, love and life. One person totally surrenders himself to the other and becomes vulnerable to the other person. Because of this, it should be private, personal and not something we share with everyone or just anyone. There must be love and a life-long commitment; which is made in the Sacrament of Marriage.

Ideas about sex in the New Testament changed greatly with the teachings of Christ and the Apostles. Jesus upheld, modified and added to the Old Testament teachings. He taught that sex was for marriage and marriage was sacred. In fact, He performed His first miracle at the marriage feast in Canaan of Galilee when He changed the water into wine. Christ was against the practice of having children by other than one’s wife. When it came to divorce, He said that the only reason for divorce should be adultery or unfaithfulness. He said to marry someone who was divorced was adultery. He even went so far as to say that to look lustfully at a woman was also committing adultery in one’s heart. (Matt. 5:27-32; Matt. 19:1-12; Mark 10:1-12; Luke 16:18) Through sex and marriage a man and a woman are joined together for eternity. It is “for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one. So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:5-6, Mark 10:7-9; Eph. 5:31-33)

In the Epistles, we find other ideas as well. St. Paul tells us that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and he warns against committing sexual sins because they involve the body as well as the soul. These sins would include things like masturbation and oral sex, which do not lead to the proper union of a male and female or to procreation. What were considered unnatural sex acts were condemned. These include incest, adultery, fornication and homosexuality. St. Paul even went so far as to say that those committing these acts would be barred from the kingdom of heaven. (I Cor. 6:9-20) Sex was not considered to be bad or a sin if used correctly and the only correct use for sex was in the sacrament of marriage. Sex is a mystery that unites a man and woman into one flesh and reflects the mystery of the union of Christ and His Church (Eph. 5:21-33). Marriage is an eternal union and because of this the ideal is for widows and widowers to remain unmarried. St. Paul did make an exception for those who couldn’t stay unmarried. He said it was better for them to remarry than to commit sexual sins. (1 Cor. 7:8-11)

What does the Church say about premarital sex and dating? First of all, love is important. Love is the reason God created all things. It is the reason He sent His Son, Jesus Christ into the world to save us. It is also the way that He tells us we should treat one another. Since dating is relatively new, the Church does not have any specific teachings about it other than resisting the temptation for premarital sex. It does warn us about this and other temptations and problems. Some of those include taking advantage of or using another person for our own pleasure or treating them as an object instead of a person. It warns us about the pressures we will have to face, pressures like being tempted to let our sexual desires and passions rule us. We can easily fall into the sin of lust if we are not careful. It also makes it clear to us that we should not “unite” ourselves with another unless that union is blessed by God in His Church. This is done in the Sacrament of Marriage. When we date, we should treat the other person with love and respect. We should never force them to do what they don’t want to do and we should not allow others to force us to do what we know is not right.

The Church teaches us that sex is not a dirty word and it is not something bad. If it is used properly in the context of marriage, it is good, natural and beautiful. If it is misused, warped or distorted in any way, it becomes sinful. Sexual intercourse, then, is limited to married couples who have pledged themselves to one another before God and the Church. It is the total union of two people, a physical union that combines the two into one flesh. This physical union implies a spiritual union of fully “knowing” one another and being willing to totally give our self to the other person. This being willing to die for the other is the martyrdom the wedding hymn talks about. It is a personal commitment, one person to another, and it is the means for us to imitate the creative power of God by having children of our own.
Premarital sex is considered sinful because it is contrary to these ideas. There is no commitment made in the Church before God and He does not bless it. The union is often only physical and temporary while marriage is physical, spiritual and eternal. It can also cause hurt and pain through broken relationships, emotional alienation and abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.

Dating allows us to know another person and to see if we grow to love them and eventually want to share our life with them. As far as sex goes, the Church cannot set
concrete limits other than forbidding any type of sex before marriage. You must know your limits, talk about those limits and your feelings about sex, and respect the other person. Don’t go beyond your limits or force others to do so. Sex should be limited by self-control, body control, love and respect. You can do this by avoiding situations that might lead to temptation. Avoid playing with the emotions of others. Love should not be used to gain physical satisfaction. Consult your Spiritual Father with any questions you might have.

One thing that we need to remember is that sexual sins, like any other sins, need to be confessed and they can be forgiven. There are many Saints of the Church who led a sexually immoral life, repented for those sins, and later became Saints. With each confession we begin our spiritual journey again. It is never too late to repent, confess, be forgiven and start fresh.

Directly quoted from  A Concise Overview of Moral Issues Facing Orthodox Christians Today By V. Rev. Fr. George Alberts

Questions to Explore

1. What is the church's teaching on premarital sex?
2. What is the Church's teaching on pornography?
3. What is the Church's teaching on cohabitation?
4. What is the Church's stance on Homosexuality?

 

Appendix: Patristic writings on Cohabitation and Homosexuality

The Orthodox Church fathers held a high view of marriage and regarded it as a holy union between a man and a woman. They generally did not condone cohabitation outside of marriage  and saw it as a violation of God's commandments. Here are some quotes from Orthodox Church  fathers on the subject of cohabitation:

1. St. John Chrysostom: "Those who commit fornication or adultery defile their own flesh and set it on fire, while he who marries avoids all these things and obtains the true joy of marriage."

2. St. Basil the Great: "Let those who are not joined in marriage abstain from sexual relations, since this is not permitted even in speech among Christians. For illicit sex is a
disgraceful sin, and whoever has committed it will not inherit the kingdom of God."

3. St. Gregory of Nyssa: "It is not possible for two to become one flesh in marriage except in the bond of lawful wedlock. Therefore, those who have illicit relations are not joined in the union of marriage, but are rather united in sin."

4. St. Clement of Alexandria: "Fornication and adultery are alien to marriage, and they who enter into them are not married but rather engage in licentiousness and lust."
These quotes reflect the Orthodox Church's traditional stance on cohabitation, which holds that sexual relations should be reserved for marriage between a man and a woman. The Church views marriage as a holy institution ordained by God, and teaches that sexual relations outside of marriage are sinful and contrary to God's commandments.

Here are some quotes from Orthodox Church fathers on the subject of homosexuality:

1. St. John Chrysostom: "All of these affections [homosexuality, adultery, and fornication] are condemned by the law as sins... The fornicator and the sodomite and the adulterer are all equal, and all are subject to punishment."

2. St. Basil the Great: "The wickedness of the Sodomites was so great that the Lord could no longer bear with it... [the Sodomites] were seized with madness and they dissolved the natural bond of union between man and woman."

3. St. Gregory of Nyssa: "The unnatural vice of the Sodomites is a blot on nature... Surely, no one can doubt that such deeds are against nature which converts semen into poison and causes the members [of the body] to be instruments of crime."

4. St. Clement of Alexandria: "Neither fornicators, nor sodomites, nor adulterers shall inherit the kingdom of God... For God did not create us to be like those who are bent on  indulging their lusts."

These quotes reflect the Orthodox Church's traditional stance on homosexuality, which holds that homosexual acts are sinful and contrary to God's commandments. However, it is important to  note that the Church teaches that all people are created in the image of God and are to be treated  with love and respect, regardless of their sexual orientation.